Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Death of SolonBiker

5636. The Death of SolonBiker
by SolonHiker, 10/04/12 7:16 PM

Marymount Hospital. Internet Chat Forum Character Ward.

Cynical: Well, it’s not looking good for Biker.

SolonPol: Look at how pale he is, like he’s just fading away.

Bystander: Hey, Biker, get with it!!!! Where does it hurt??

Biker: Well, my foot feels kind of weird.

Cynical notes that Biker’s foot has disappeared.

Biker: And my right arm doesn’t feel quite right.

SolonPol notes that Biker’s right arm is missing.

Biker: And my ____ doesn’t feel quite right either.

Solon Forum gasps in horror.

Bystander: Well, umm, hang in there buddy.

Walley walks in with five dogs, which immediately jump up on Biker.

Walley: Hey, get down, boys … oh, gosh, they’ve eaten half of Biker.

Cynical: Not the dogs.

Walley: What’s going on here??? Interactivity Manager walks in.

CCIM: Well, it looks grim, it’s time to put him out of his misery.

SolonPol: Wait, what are you talking about???

CCIM: Look, he’s too much trouble, he’s taking up valuable time. He keeps disappearing and coming back, disappearing and coming back. We’ve got better stuff to do. Besides, his health insurance is awful, and we’ve tapped it out.

Biker: That’s OK, I understand. It’s a far, far better place I go to than I have ever been. It’s a far . . .

SolonJoe3 walks in.

Joe: Hey, everyone, what’s up???

SolonPol: They’re going to put Biker down.

Joe: Oh, gosh, that’s not right. Hey, get him a beer first.

CCIM: We don’t allow beer in here.

Joe: I didn’t know the Mormons run this place.

Biker: That’s OK, I think my mouth is disappearing anyway.

Joe: Hey, have you voted yet???

Biker: . . .what???

Joe: Oh, forget it. Hey, since you’re not going to need those pants anymore . . .

SolonBiker dies.

CCIM: Well, thank you for coming, gentlemen. Now, who gets the bill???

Solon Forum Crew quickly disappear into the night.

5640. SolonBiker's Funeral (Part 1)
by SolonHiker, 10/05/12 1:19 PM

Mt. Olive. Early October, 2012. A grey, brooding and blustery day.

SolonPol: We have gathered here to pay our final respects to SolonBiker. He was taken from us too soon. Not by a texting teen in a SUV. Not by a nasty dog and a lousy invisible fence. Not by a side swiping deer/bike collision . . .

Pettiboner: KILL ALL THE DEER!!!!

SolonPol: Please sit back down . . . this is a funeral, not a Council meeting!!! As I was saying, he was taken out by the anonymous Interactivity Manager . . . and I’d just like to say that I think that’s . . . Interactivity Manager cuts in.

CCIM: May I remind you that there are restrictions here, and that any one of you may be deleted, with cause or without, at my sole discretion. SolonBiker was ambitious, and has violated our rules by re-posting deleted posts again and again. He had become an annoyance to us, hence his deletion. I shall leave you here, then, to say a few words about your deleted and departed friend. Interactivity Manager exits.

SolonPol: Well, I believe Bystander wants to say a few words.


Friends, Solonites, fellow Forum Characters
Lend me your ears!!!!
I come to bury Biker, not to praise him;
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones (and their bikes),
So let it be with Biker … The noble Interactivity Manager
Hath told you Biker was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Biker answered it …
Here, under leave of Interactivity Manager and the rest,
(For Interactivity Manager is an honourable man;
So are they all; all honourable men)

Come I to speak in Biker’s funeral …
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Interactivity Manager says he was ambitious;
And Interactivity Manager is an honourable man….

He hath brought many posts to our Forum,
Whose humor did the hours fill:
Did this in Biker seem ambitious?
When that the poor have had need of healthcare, Biker hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Interactivity Manager says he was ambitious;
And Interactivity Manager is an honourable man.

You all did see that at Home Days
I thrice presented him a kingly carbon fiber steed,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Interactivity Manager says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.

I speak not to disprove what Interactivity Manager spoke,
(As speech hath never been a great friend of his)
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
O judgement! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason…. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Biker,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

5640.1. SolonBiker's Funeral (Part 2)
by SolonHiker, 10/05/12 1:23 PM
Re: SolonBiker's Funeral (Part 1) by SolonHiker, 10/05/12 1:23 PM
Bystander finishes speech, and sits back down.

SolonPol: Thank you Bystander. That was moving . . . and a little long.

SolonJoe3: I’d like to say a few words.

SolonPol: Sure, sure, go right ahead.

Joe opens his coat, revealing a six pack of Miller High Life, he takes a couple gulps and starts.

SolonJoe3: Well, for a lefty, Commie, Socialist, Muslim Apologist Defeatnik, Biker was an OK guy. I drink to Biker!!!

Solon Forum Gang all reach into their jackets and pull out beers to toast Biker.

SolonPol: Well, now we have a few religious words to say about Biker.

Priest: In the name of the Father, and the Son . . .

Bystander: He wasn’t a Christian!!!

Rabbi: God full of mercy . . .

SolonPol: He wasn’t Jewish.

Imam: In the name of Allah . . .

SolonJoe: He wasn’t a Muslim. Wait a minute, I’m not so sure about that one.

A fleet of black limos and SUVs drives in. Out pops Mitt Romney.

SolonPol: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Mitt Romney: I’d like to say a few words.

SolonPol: I don’t think that . . .

Solon Forum Gang drowns out SolonPol: Boo, Boo, let him speak, let him speak!!!

Mitt Romney: As a Mormon Elder (aka Bishop) of long standing, I come here today to bless this marriage and join SolonBiker to SolonSue . . . and to ChagrinFallsChrissy . . . and to BedfordBetty . . . and to TwinsburgTammy . . .and to . . .

SolonPol: This is a funeral, not a wedding.

MittRomney: Oh, yeah, right. Well, in that case, we gather here to posthumously baptize the heathen heretofore known as SolonBiker so that he can join Joseph Smith and our Mormon community in the one true heaven.

Rabbi glares at Mitt Romney, and SolonForum Gang scratch their heads as Mitt Romney drives away in his limo.

SolonPol: Well, what do we do now??? This isn’t going well.

Walley steps up.

Walley: Well, I made some calls and pulled some strings, and they’ll take him.

SolonPol: What are you talking about???

Walley: I got him into Dog Heaven.

Solon Forum Gang sighs in relief.

SolonPol: Well, that concludes our ceremony today, may Biker rest in . . .

A thunderous noise overtakes the proceedings . . . suddenly a team of black helicopters appears over the trees, with the lead chopper landing at Mt. Olive.

Bystander: Is that . . .???

SolonMoreCynical (aka Dick Cheney) steps down from the lead helicopter, wearing a bomber jacket with dark sunglasses . . . and speaks into a Walkie Talkie.

Cynical: OK, team, lower it now.

A large object slowly descends from the rear helicopter over Biker’s grave, revealing a bollard as Biker’s gravestone.

SolonPol: Are you kidding me??? Where did you get that thing from???

SolonJoe3: We bought that bollard. We the taxpayers!!! We bought all of them!!!! Do you know how much we paid for those things??? $500 a pop!!!! For a bollard!!! And we bought 200 of them!!!!

Cynical: OK, Joe, we get the idea. Now finish this thing up so we can go get some beers. Cynical points to a formation of Marines standing ready to deliver a 21 gun salute.

SolonJoe3: FIRE THEM ALL!!!!!

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