Friday, November 2, 2012
The No Good Terrible Haunting of SolonJoe3
5703. The No Good Terrible Haunting of SolonJoe3, Part 1, Take 3
by SolonHiker, 11/01/12 1:34 PM
Election Eve, 2012. Midnight at SolonJoe3’s House. SolonMoreCynical and SolonJoe3 take the last gulps of their Miller High Life bottles.
Cynical: So, it’s final then, Romney’s the choice.
Joe: Absolutely. No doubt. Right down the middle.
Cynical: OK, got it. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow afterwards. We can go get a beer and bid Obummer adieu.
Joe: Great. Send him back to Kenya where he belongs. See you soon.
Cynical exits and drives home. Joe promptly removes his pants, sits back in his favorite recliner relishing in the upcoming vote.
Joe: I’m gonna Fire them All Fire them All Fire them All … I’m gonna fire all them Dems.
Suddenly the lights flicker throughout Joe’s house. The TV blaring Fox News shuts off. A deep and terrible chill descends upon the premises. The lights go out. Mr. Whiskers leaps out of an open window.
Joe: What the . . . It’s COLD in here. Arrghhh, where are my pants???
A grim and terrifying visage hovers over the television set.
Joe: Oh . . My . . . Is it . . .??? Can it be . . .??? Biker????
Ghost of SolonBiker: It is I, Ghost of SolonBiker, dim shade of the netherworld.
The house shakes. The refrigerator rattles. Joe jumps underneath his kitchen table, cowering in fear.
Ghost of SolonBiker: It is not I you need to fear, thou dimmest wit of the living.
Joe (trembling): . . . What???
Ghost of SolonBiker: Oh, puny creature, thou hast most to fear of YOURSELF.
Joe: Does everyone talk so funny when they turn into a ghost???
Ghost of SolonBiker: Silence, knave. I dine with Chaucer and Shakespeare, not Fox and Friends.
Ghost of Biker waves his arm, and a chair flies thru Joe’s television set, as the refrigerator door opens and 25 bottles of Miller High Life explode.
Ghost of SolonBiker: Your grim fate hangs in the balance, and oblivion is at the door. On this eve you shall be visited by three ghosts who will demonstrate your grave peril and predicament. Heed their message or suffer the consequences.
Ghost of SolonBiker vanishes, and Joe collapses in fear.
The Ghost of Solon’s Past Enters
Ghost of Solon’s Past: Come along, dimwitted creature, we have far to travel.
Joe floats up into the air, out the window, and high above Solon.
Joe: I can see Giant Eagle, and I can see City Hall, and I can see . . .
Ghost of Solon’s Past: Silence, idiot!!!!
Joe and the Ghost of Solon’s Past land at the library, mid morning, the year 2000, Election Day.
Joe: Why, this is quite strange. Is this . . .???
Ghost of Solon’s Past: Yes, it is. The year is 2000, now watch.
A young SolonJoe approaches the voting booth.
SolonJoe3: Why, it’s me. Oh, what a dapper looking fellow. Look at the spring in his step. Wait, can I tell him to just buy a few thousand shares of Apple stock . . .
Ghost of Solon’s Past: Observe, or suffer the hellfires of your own stupidity.
Young SolonJoe: Oh, what a fine day. It’s great to be alive in Solon. . .Well, this George W. Bush sure does look good. Why, we can have a stronger and greater military, even though we’re at peace. We can have less regulation … so we can free up the banks and wealth creators to turbo charge our economy forward. And we can have tax cuts. Great big tax cuts. Income tax cuts. Dividend tax cuts. Capital Gains tax cuts. Estate tax cuts. We can spend down the surplus, and return this money to the people, especially the rich people. And it will all balance out, because the Republicans are the party of fiscal discipline.
Young Joe pulls the lever for George W. Bush.
Suddenly SolonJoe3 summersaults back through the air, crash landing back into the present. Long lines of For Sale signs litter the landscape. Police sirens can be heard a few blocks away. The East Coast of the U.S. is under assault from Hurricane Sandy, the latest in a series of global warming-fueled super hurricanes. News of the 12th year in Afghanistan blares over the TV. A national debt clock shows $16,000,000,000,000 and rising. Unemployment fallout from the banking crisis still looms heavy.
Ghost of Solon’s Present: Here you see the consequence of your actions. Can you comprehend the relationship???
SolonJoe3 spots a Mitt Romney yard sign, and smiles widely.
5703.1. The No Good Terrible Haunting of SolonJoe3, Part 2, Take 3
by SolonHiker, 11/01/12 1:36 PM
Re: The No Good Terrible Haunting of SolonJoe3, Part 1, Take 3 by SolonHiker, 11/01/12 1:36 PM
SolonJoe3: Why, this Mitt Romney sure does look good. We can have a stronger and greater military and play a bigger role in the world. We can lead with strength, even as we buckle under two Asian land wars. We can have less regulation … so we can free up the banks and wealth creators to turbo charge our economy forward. We can drill baby drill for more oil, and forget about that Al Gore goofball and his silly warnings of global warming. And we can have tax cuts. Great big tax cuts. $5,000,000,000,000 of tax cuts. We can keep all the Bush tax cuts, and then we can have a whole new round of tax cuts. Income tax cuts. Dividend tax cuts. Capital Gains tax cuts. Estate tax cuts. And it will all balance out, because the Republicans are the party of fiscal discipline, and because Mitt Romney says it will.
Ghost of Solon’s Present shakes his head. Suddenly Joe rockets up into the sky, landing on a dark and ominous night in Mt. Olive.
Joe: Is that . . can it be . . . (Joe looks at a gravestone reading SolonJoe3).
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Yes, indeed it is, imbecile. Observe thy grim fate.
SolonJoe3: . . What happened???
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Wherefore hast thou eyes whence thou surely cannot see???
SolonJoe3: Ummmm ….
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Mitt Romney happened, thou perpetual fool of Solon.
SolonJoe3: But I don’t understand, he seemed like such a nice man and he promised we could have tax cuts, and we could privatize Social Security, and we could voucherize Medicare, and all would be great . . . Where did it go wrong???
Ghost of Solon’s Future: If ignorance were bliss, thou wouldst swim in a sea of ecstasy. Hell itself would surely quiver at the thought of turning its books over to Romney’s Republicans. It was all a big lie. The tax cuts happened on day one. The cuts were promised by the end of year one. They never happened. Well, not the middle class cuts, just the ones for the poor folks. The national debt now stands at 25,000,000,000,000. And healthcare, it got repealed, but never replaced. 70,000,000 people are now without health insurance.
SolonJoe3: Oh, man, is that what got me???
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Silence, puny simpleton. Global warming has accelerated, and big storms are constantly wiping out regions of the U.S. that used to be unaffected. We’ve entered into two new Asian land wars in Syria and Iran, without any end in sight. We’ve suffered two new banking meltdowns after Romney gutted Wall Street reform. There’s no longer a U.S. based auto industry, as the ongoing recession took out Detroit, and Mitt really did let it go bankrupt this time around.
SolonJoe3: Oh, wow. That sounds bad. So, what got me, the lack of healthcare, the flooding, what was it???
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Alas, great knave of Solon, thou hast hoisted thyself on thy own petard.
SolonJoe3: That doesn’t sound good, can you translate??
Ghost of Solon’s Future: In 2014, Mitt Romney outlawed beer and alcohol.
SolonJoe3 (turning purple): Well, ummm, ummm . . . .
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Your response was, shall we say, unfortunate. Alas, now meet your final warning.
Ghost of SolonJoe3: Heed my warning, mortal fool supreme. Canst thou see thy dim future now??
SolonJoe3: Well, is there beer in heaven at least???
Ghost of SolonJoe3: How would I know that???
SolonJoe3: OH, MY!!!!
Ghost of Solon’s Future: Amend thy ways whilst thou still hast time. Else, thy dim future shall be thus.
Ghost of SolonJoe3: And, would you please put some pants on. I’ve gotta go thru all eternity without any pants because of you. Do you know what that’s like where you’re headed???